02-16-2022, 08:02 PM
Trigger Warning: Self-harm
August 5th, Year 633
Spears, supplies, rituals, goodbyes...
It has been a flurry of events on these shores da past few days. Between vettin' da recruits for dis journey, chartin' our course, gatherin' supplies, an' tyin' up loose ends. Along wit' some unneeded distractions...
Often times, my mind won't quiet. It be like a cyclone, consumin' everyt'in in its wake. I can see it even in my dreams. I try ta keep movin', from one task to da next, from one battle to ano'da, hopin' I can outpace da storm. Always, I have been fasta'. But now...it has caught up wit' me.
Eva' since I was a little zanzil (child; young one), I been told about doin' for da tribe. "Always, da Darkspear must come first". An' to dis day, I truly believe dis. All of my skills, my trainin', my actions, dey be for da Darkspear. I have fought, bled, and nearly died many times ova' for my people, all da while outrunnin' da storm. But when I can't outrun it, when my body gives out an' da doubts begin ta wash me away, where be my people for me? When I fail, I be chastised, yet when dey fail me, I am left standin' alone, wit' no one willin' ta take accountability.
How could he do it? We had trust. We had a bond. An' he broke it for what? For a fucking zonbie? For a Darkspear dat he don't even know?
Even in da midst of everyt'in dat I been doin' ta prepare for da expedition, these t'ings have weighed on me, makin' it harda' ta outrun da storm. That is, until it occurred ta me las' night as I could not sleep: dey neva' did care. Rokhan, Seria...neither of dem care about me at all. Why else would Rokhan so quickly turn his back on me? Why else would Seria be so willin' to hurt me? Afta' all, she didn't even seem happy ta see me again. No emotion, no warm regards, an' only touchin' me when she wished to hurt me. She didn't even say any'tin when I gave her da momento of her mo'da. No friend would treat someone dis way. I be da fool for thinkin' otherwise...
It has taken all my willpowa' not ta take da knife to my skin again, especially afta' seein' Seria take da t'ings I been buildin' for a long time in one fell swoop. Then again, perhaps I neva had a chance anyway, wit' either Rokhan or Zuni. Perhaps dey will always see me as da rest o'da Darkspear see me-weak, unlovable...cursed. I swear, I would change dis face if I could, wipe away any resemblance'a dem. Maybe den my people would show a shred'a da love dat I have for dem, instead of only considerin' who I come from. But, dat is not how it is. Maybe dis curse be real afta' all. Maybe all I be is a titi...
Regardless, I mus' carry it somehow. O'da's are dependin' on me. Dey need me, even if dey don't want me. Such be my charge, an' it will have to suffice. I have made it dis far on my own. No storm, or curse, will take me. Not before I be havin' my say.
August 5th, Year 633
Spears, supplies, rituals, goodbyes...
It has been a flurry of events on these shores da past few days. Between vettin' da recruits for dis journey, chartin' our course, gatherin' supplies, an' tyin' up loose ends. Along wit' some unneeded distractions...
Often times, my mind won't quiet. It be like a cyclone, consumin' everyt'in in its wake. I can see it even in my dreams. I try ta keep movin', from one task to da next, from one battle to ano'da, hopin' I can outpace da storm. Always, I have been fasta'. But now...it has caught up wit' me.
Eva' since I was a little zanzil (child; young one), I been told about doin' for da tribe. "Always, da Darkspear must come first". An' to dis day, I truly believe dis. All of my skills, my trainin', my actions, dey be for da Darkspear. I have fought, bled, and nearly died many times ova' for my people, all da while outrunnin' da storm. But when I can't outrun it, when my body gives out an' da doubts begin ta wash me away, where be my people for me? When I fail, I be chastised, yet when dey fail me, I am left standin' alone, wit' no one willin' ta take accountability.
How could he do it? We had trust. We had a bond. An' he broke it for what? For a fucking zonbie? For a Darkspear dat he don't even know?
Even in da midst of everyt'in dat I been doin' ta prepare for da expedition, these t'ings have weighed on me, makin' it harda' ta outrun da storm. That is, until it occurred ta me las' night as I could not sleep: dey neva' did care. Rokhan, Seria...neither of dem care about me at all. Why else would Rokhan so quickly turn his back on me? Why else would Seria be so willin' to hurt me? Afta' all, she didn't even seem happy ta see me again. No emotion, no warm regards, an' only touchin' me when she wished to hurt me. She didn't even say any'tin when I gave her da momento of her mo'da. No friend would treat someone dis way. I be da fool for thinkin' otherwise...
It has taken all my willpowa' not ta take da knife to my skin again, especially afta' seein' Seria take da t'ings I been buildin' for a long time in one fell swoop. Then again, perhaps I neva had a chance anyway, wit' either Rokhan or Zuni. Perhaps dey will always see me as da rest o'da Darkspear see me-weak, unlovable...cursed. I swear, I would change dis face if I could, wipe away any resemblance'a dem. Maybe den my people would show a shred'a da love dat I have for dem, instead of only considerin' who I come from. But, dat is not how it is. Maybe dis curse be real afta' all. Maybe all I be is a titi...
Regardless, I mus' carry it somehow. O'da's are dependin' on me. Dey need me, even if dey don't want me. Such be my charge, an' it will have to suffice. I have made it dis far on my own. No storm, or curse, will take me. Not before I be havin' my say.